It's kind of an anniversary right now. Last year, about this time, I was going through a dark and kind of scary time. I had cycled into an episode of depression. I'm always anxious, but these cycles are usually triggered when my level of anxiety becomes overwhelming... and there was a lot going on in my life at that time.

In the subsequent months, as the light started to come back into my life, I felt very strongly that I should use my (stupid) blog to write about my experience. I didn't. You can check.

As you can see, I'm a high-functioning depressive. (I might be like, "See that glass of sludge I have to drink? Half full!)

Also, by way of explanation, depression doesn't usually look on me the way it looks on commercials for Paxil. Maybe that's something I was supposed to tell you last year.

I actually am happy in that photo where I'm dressed up like Vicki St. Elmo. (Even though I'm dressed up like Vicki St. Elmo.)

I'm not faking it there.

But maybe later, when my spirit and body seek rejuvenation at the end of the day I will feel nothing. Except hopeless.

And since the greatest source of hope in my life otherwise is my religion and my relationship with God, depression rather cruelly strikes those places the hardest.

Last year, I could not have felt more hopeless and abandoned by God.

At the same time, I could not have felt more like I was trying to do everything right. I was heavily involved in a couple of large stake projects. I was serving in the Relief Society presidency. I was crying my eyes out in desperate prayer to an absolute void night after night, utterly confused by the discrepancy between the effort on my part and the lack of response from my Father.

I took that celestial silence as proof that I was not worthy. Not loved.

It's frustrating that the Holy Ghost's main conduit for communication is our feelings and our perceptions... the very thing that depression breaks.

At that time, I was desperate.

It didn't make any sense. If I'm trying to do everything right, you'd think the Big Guy could afford to throw me a little bone? Right?? I mean, send a little love my way. Answer just one prayer! Am I not your daughter, for heaven's sake? Who wouldn't do this for their child?

Of course, the big "duh" moment,

the big A-HA,

the light bulb over my head didn't go off until many months later.

I kept wanting God to give me a sign. A direct, straight from Him, honest to you-know-who sign.

But the conduit was broken right then... so He used a workaround.

My family and my friends.

And one year later my heart is full of love for the love you gave me. It was God's love.

'Cause I guess God told you to humor me. Because you did.

And I guess God told you to listen to me. Because you did.

And I guess God told you to tell me it would be OK. Because you did.

And I guess God told you to tell me that you loved me. Because you did that too.

Thanks for that.

I really, really needed it.